The Salmonella Blues

I wrote this a few years ago, after a few dozen customers were exposed to hepatitis at a restaurant not far from my house. Some topical songs become dated -- I'm afraid this one never will be.

Listen to The Salmonella Blues on SoundCloud

LYRICS

You read it in the paper, you heard the doctor say
some folks went to a bistro got hepatitis A
and meanwhile at the grocers they called back the cheese
the chicken and the burgers and the frozen Chinese
Ecoli in the burgers, there's mercury in fish
there's something that could kill you in every single dish
there's arsenic in your water and that they allow
it makes you kinda frightened, then you think of mad cow

You got the salmonella blues
bad case of botulism too
You got the salmonella blues
there ain’t nothing you can do

Whatever's on the menu you really should avoid
it's only realistic to be quite paranoid
your waitress has pneumonia, she hands you your tray
a-coughin and a-sneezin on your soup of the day.
contaminated peaches, something fishy bout that fish
something awful on your waffle, better give that thing a squish
this cafe had some rodents, now they've been subdued
they died quite prematurely, from eating the food

You got the salmonella blues
bad case of botulism too
went to a Chinese place
got the Hong Kong flu

And after each Thanksgiving
you're lucky to be living
whatever's on the table is a threat
I wouldn't touch that turkey
that gravy's looking murky
a vegetable medley
can even be quite deadly
you know you're playing Russian roulette

You got the salmonella blues
bound to hit you like a punch
You got nothing left to lose
you done already lost your lunch

You got the salmonella blues
bad case of botulism too
You got the salmonella blues
there ain't nothing you can do.

Then suddenly you're stricken
perhaps it was the chicken
as sick and you and me are
there's no use for the ER
your fever's quite persistent
the bugs are all resistant
you've got the salmonella blues.